It’s always crappy to be talked about by someone you don’t know.
I realize that working in the media industry means that people are going to talk about you. Sometimes, they’re going to like you. Really, if you’re doing things in any way that makes an impact, sometimes, they’re going to hate you too. But, now with the internet, it’s so much easier for people to find out things about you, whether you know them or not.
Now, I’m an internet savvy gal, so when Google Alerts gives me the opportunity to monitor my online reputation by sending me an email any time someone mentions my name, I’m going to use it!
This afternoon, I get an alert that I’ve been mentioned on RadioWest.ca. It’s a radio/industry gossip/news board so I wasn’t too shocked. If anything, I was a little surprised that all the regular suspects (RadioWest, Milkman, Airchecker) hadn’t reported me getting the axe sooner. After all, it’s been a month since I was laid off and I haven’t exactly been keeping it a secret. I sent out an email to friends, changed my Facebook information, changed my Twitter name, changed my LinkedIn profile…heck, I even wrote a blog post about it! If anything, I just kind of thought nobody cared. (Because, after all, when you get turfed, you’re allowed to have a little bit of self pity *lol)
But, after the Program Director job posting went up last week – the job that my old company had told me I would finally be assuming in a few weeks and instead they laid me off (yeah, that didn’t hurt at all) – well, the questions started rolling in from people that hadn’t heard. So, I answered the questions and told one board that, yes, they’d “restructured” me and round two hit.
This posting on the chat board though…the fact that they said I’m “enjoying my summer” kind of stunned me.
Of all the things that I’m feeling, and have been feeling for the last month, enjoying my summer isn’t exactly how I’d sum it up.
I’m hurt and sad. I spent the last 18 months trying to hold something together and now I’m asking myself why. Did I have to work those long days or nights or weekends? Because, it seems it didn’t really matter at all. I’m sad because everything I poured into this job seems to now be worth nothing. (I know, I know…see the self pity comment above.)
I’m angry. I don’t have a lot of respect for the people who made the decisions that have crushed my life. Angry because I wasn’t treated fairly on my way out. Angry because I found out how poorly they’ve treated other co-workers and friends on their exit too.
I’m worried. God, I’m worried!! Worried about making the right decisions in a time that I really don’t feel like I know what to do. I’m worried about not applying for the right job or applying for the wrong one. Worried that the right career decision for me might not be the right career decision for my partner. Worried about our wedding. Worried about money and how we’re going to pay the bills. Worried about finding a job or that when I find a job that it might not be the right job. Hell, I’m worrying about everything!
I’m embarrassed, because…well…I lost my job. Even though some people understand the radio industry can suck, most people don’t. And even people in the industry speculate and gossip…and you just know someone out there is talking smack about you! There’s a huge shame that I feel attached to this. I haven’t even told my dad yet – how’s that for lame?
I’m grateful that I have such an amazing partner who’s supporting me, both emotionally and financially, as we try to figure things out. He’s my biggest cheerleader…and one of the biggest reasons I’m worried right now. It’s so much easier when your decisions only affect yourself and no one else. But we have to make some really big choices for the two of us and it’s scary as hell.